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4.06.2005

 
I was going to write about how our country and probably the world would have been better if Kennedy hadn't been shot, but I can't. Something is making me sad all of a sudden and sadness in Spring is highly noticeable, unlike in Winter when it is a requirement. And I know exactly what is making that giant lump in my throat: longing. I can remember the last time I was really happy, and it was way too long ago. I'm talking about the comfortable in your own skin, not worrying about anything, synchronicity in the universe kind of happy. It was at Athfest last year, when I was just hanging out with friends, walking on the hot streets at night, music blaring from everywhichway. I hadn't had a single drink, but I was buzzed all the same. And people that I knew were everywhere, saying hi, hanging out for a minute, nothing awkward about any of it, no one trying to play any role. It's a bright memory in a pretty dim bunch.

Before that one is the summer that Chris, Kris, and I spent after high school graduation, but before college. We just got stoned everyday and went to work. We all worked in the same shitpit of a restaurant, but with your friends there you just don't pay any attention to how terrible the environment is. And we would take out trash and smoke blunts behind the dumpster, leaving it in a special location for the next guy. We would walk around the neighborhood, visiting other friend's houses, and finding different ways to stay out on the street until the last possible moment, and then we would all go crash at one of our houses together. Then we would wake up to smoke with the sunrise and sit in the dewey grass until it was time to work again. The whole summer was a car ride on a warm night after the rain with the windows down and something sweet playing low on the stereo. That's how I remember it: like wind in my hair.

The key here is summer, I noticed. The summer is always the time when things come together a little bit better because the pressure is off. The world isn't trying to accomplish anything except being alive for the time being. There is really nothing better than literally bursting out of your house into it, living with the take it as it comes summer mindset. Things, however, have all changed.

Allison has moved up. Kris has moved on. And Chris has moved away. They are all still there, but not still here. I'll graduate in May, and get a full-time somewhere, not really doing something that interests me, and that doesn't bother me so much as knowing that the time for the other summers is past. There won't be any of that for a while. Maybe once I go back to school for the PhD, but that is a distance away, and for right now it seems like life has happened, eventhough I never asked it to. I have lost some of the best friends in the known universe to it, and now it seems like I will never get to see another dewey summer morning, when the world is still cool and wet, as the sun comes shining up, talking about the possibilities for your adventures today, whispering in light and magic down onto three kids who are absolutely in love with life.

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