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My best friend is a home-owner. I wear ties to work. It occurs to me that when I was 5 none of this would ever have seemed important.

Chris suggests that I move to Savannah now that he has a house, and we can work on it together and do all those best-friend things we have missed out on for the last 3 years. Of course, he can suggest things like that with a decent paying job and two rooves over his head. I am staring at the oncoming train of $20,000 worth of student loan debt, and I lose both my jobs as soon as I graduate in May. I have a house as long as I can pay for it, but with the lackadaisical attitude the University has toward job applicant processing I don't know how long it will take to get further employ. The University is the only one who hires in this town, and they take fucking forever about it.

I did get a rejection letter from one of their jobs the other day. It didn't tell me I was rejected anywhere in the letter, only that "we have to choose someone who best fits the dynamic of our department." A tribute to the cuddly P.C. beauracracy. It won't hurt me if you say that I was underqualified. I know I was underqualified. Hell, just tell me I didn't get the job straight out before we end up with so much double talking and molly-coddling that you won't even know if you hired me or not. I can wait two more weeks to hear from the other ones and then I am fucked. My budget line is so tight that I can't be unemployed for even one day. I wish they would have taught me some sort of fiscal planning in high school instead of what a fucking gerund is. Now it's almost 6 years later and I haven't heard one peep from the gerund, but I'm going broke.

But I have just really started to like it here in Athens. I love my best friend, and I want to live with him, but the more I think about it I can't see myself leaving this community for a dead town like Savannah. That entire place is oiled by their love of their town's past. I hate the past. I'm not fond of the future either but at least it is more malleable for me. Not to mention the awful headache I would have trying to find someone to sublet my house and store my stuff etc. I know so many people here, at least as acquaintances, and I just got my bike (which would be inefficient in Savannah), and I will be going to grad school here in a year or so anyway. Why should I pack up and leave my home?

Since I couldn't figure out which to choose I opted for the only logical solution: I applied for youth corps field work in the Rocky Mountains. If there is a small choice to make that seems to weigh heavily, and is difficult to decide then choose an almost unrelated third option that renders the earlier choice moot. Pragmatism at its finest.

I was going to write my term paper on evolutionary theodicy as an explanation for the existence of evil, but it isn't last minute enough for me to enjoy philosophy. I throw together my best ideas in the manic, sweaty, teeth-gritting dash to finish rather than with careful contemplation. Whickey and coffee had better not fail me Wednesday night. I need a winner.


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