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8.21.2005

 
Jimmy Buffet is music for white people who hate music.

Jack Johnson is the new Jimmy Buffet.

I am going to quit my newest job. I can't handle the back to back 18 hour days. Or actually I can handle it just fine, but it makes me bitter and angry and tired, which, come to think of it, isn't really handling it at all. Last night I found myself yelling at family and friends in my head for whatever way they were instrumental in convincing me to keep this job eventhough my initial instincts said that I should drop it like nannies drop babies. It's not their fault. They were just looking out for my best interest. The trouble is that they are much to career driven. My parent's especially are all about work first and happiness second. That is fine for them. But I am too young and naive and idealistic to sacrifice my happiness for gas money. I only get a small window to be an idiot and enjoy myself before I have to support my own family or burgeoning marriage. I think I might even be able to handle this kind of schedule if it were during the week, but it happens on the weekends. I am sick and tired of telling my friends that I can't come out for a party or show or drinks because I have to be at work or work early the next morning. What the hell kind of freedom is that? All I've ever wanted is to work normal hours like half of the people in the world. No more graveyard shifts or early shifts, no more shifts period, just a regular working day. I like working and I'm not going to stop, but it's going to be on my terms now. I will eat ramen and free bread for the next 5 years if I have to. The vitamin deficiencies are worth the rotting smile that I will have etched onto my face. It may not be pretty but it's a smile dammit. The bitterness is just getting too heavy. It's too much like the sack, and no one so young should ever fear the sack coming down.

I'll work full-time if an acceptable job becomes available to me. I am actively seeking work, but I am being more specific now. No more "just get a job so you can live." I am already alive, and nothing short of widespread nuclear holocaust is going to change that. When I get home and am so filled with anger and frustration that I barely want to kiss the most wonderful girl in the world then something is wrong. When I have to sleep so fiercely for 5 hours that I ignore her then the madness has to stop. There are more important things in life than money, and regardless of the veracity of that I am young enough to get away with believing it. I am also young enough to live in the back of the truck if things get too bad. I'm not scared of hard living, I'm scared of not getting the chance to live at all. I'm not phoning this shit in anymore. We all need a breath of fresh air sometime. And right now it's time I got a little breathing room.

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