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4.11.2006

 
The Things I've Been Thinking About
A list

1) A world in which all the letters of the alphabet are sentient, but can only know each other through direct proximity. B doesn't know X for instance, but everyone is friends with E. Can you imagine the second hand rumors that would fly about the letters that weren't use very often? I'm sure Z would take a lot of shit from the rest of the alphabet.

2) My dog doesn't look out the vehicle window when we go to the park. He just lays down on the seat and dozes until I stop the truck and we get. Now a) I worry if this is some defect in his doggy sense of adventure. Is he missing out on one of the truly rewarding perks of being a dog by not sticking his head out of the window? More importantly is b) my dog thinks I have a magical teleporting couch. All he knows is that he lays down and in one place and then wakes up in another. No wonder he follows me around all the time. I would definitely follow anyone who had a teleporting couch, mostly asking them if we could teleport into Elle Macpherson's shower.

3) Trees are the most promiscuous creatures on the planet. You can take a roomful of bonobos and they will mate with anything that moves, but they still can't compare to the trees of this world which shower absolutely everything with their sperm. Trees don't care what they fertilize as long as they fertilize everything. If you have gone outside in the last week you have inhaled more sperm than Alanis Morrisette that time she supposedly had to go to the hospital and have her stomach pumped.

4) Spring is a good season because of all the natural beauty (see number 3), but Spring is a great season because there are boobs everywhere. I'm not talking about just plain old sweater boob, or even t-shirt boob, I mean scullery maid boob. 100 years ago pretty much every girl that I have seen in the last month would have been ostracized for indecency. And thank God I wasn't alive back then because I am loving the exposure. Or actually if I were alive back then I probably could have started a refuge for all the ostracized slatterns and had myself a pretty good time. Silver linings.

5) What does make the sky blue?

6) I think I could go fishing all day everyday. This might sound weird, but I think that the Native Americans should give up bitching about the land being taken from them. That was a terrible thing to happen, but they did get thousands of years to spend all day hunting and fishing and being outside. Comparitively I only got 4 summers of that when I was a kid, and even then I had to come in when it got dark. Wow, that sounded pretty terrible even for me.

7) Is there an octopus constellation? Because there should be.

8) The caracal is described as the heaviest and fastest of the small cats. Jeremiah and I took that to mean that the caracal is a cat made entirely of dark matter that travels at light speed. Nothing is more interesting to me than a terribly massive, lightning fast, killing machine. Then we conversationally bred the caracal with the liger and got the ligracal, which is only dark matter on the back half so that everywhere the ligracal sits down there is a bend in space time. It's a wonder to me that no one has appointed one of us as the new Eperor of America with those kinds of ideas.

9) Babies are small so that bears will feel sorry for them. Very smart,babies. One less thing to worry about.

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